So it's been a while since I've posted to this blog but in honor of GH's 50th anniversary, I've decided to post a guide on moving to Port Charles. Enjoy :)
So you’ve decided to move to Port Charles. Here’s a list of
50 things you should know to make your move easier.
1.
Port Charles is a magical place you go to if you
have a huge secret or a vendetta against someone.
2.
Everyone here is super attractive. If you’re not? You will be by the time you
arrive.
3.
No one dies.
They just go to Switzerland.
4.
Missing your loved one? Don’t worry; they’ll be
back eventually, possibly with a different face.
5.
Odds are good you were switched at birth.
6.
Odds are also good you have an evil twin.
7.
Most of the time, you won’t know who your father
is, even after countless paternity tests.
8.
Chances are, if you arrive in Port Charles with
a family member, one of you will die almost immediately.
9.
The person you want to eavesdrop on will always
speak loudly and clearly, especially if they have a secret.
10.
The person you want to eavesdrop on also has no
peripheral vision so just hide a quarter of your body and you’ll be able to
hear everything they say without them knowing.
11.
But make sure to leave half way through the
conversation so you can misconstrue the point.
12.
Secrets will always come out eventually.
13.
Forget any medical knowledge you think you might
know. You’re wrong.
14.
You will always look good waking up first thing
in the morning, after an accident, or lying in a hospital bed.
15.
You will most likely be very rich, but will
hardly ever have to work.
16.
No matter your job, you will always have a fully
decorated and spacious house or apartment.
17.
Between houses?
Just stay at the Metro Court, a luxury hotel anyone can afford.
18.
And if you do find yourself out of a job,
there’s always someone in town that will offer you something – whether you’re
qualified or not.
19.
In the meantime, Kelly’s always needs wait
staff.
20.
Don’t start drinking. You will either become an
alcoholic or end up in a bad one night stand.
21.
Be careful of those one night stands,
ladies. You will get pregnant.
*Pregnancy odds slightly higher if the father is a mobster.
22.
And don’t worry about the kids. There are plenty
of nannies and never-seen relatives to look after them while you go out and
have a good time.
23.
If you’re not married at least three times,
you’re considered a spinster.
24.
You should also divorce and remarry the same
person at least once.
25.
Ladies, none of your children should have the
same father. This is against the law.
26.
If you’re a surgeon, you’ll operate on everyone
you know.
27.
Magazines, newspapers & and other tough and
busy businesses can be run without running into any staff whatsoever.
28.
Security is a bit lax in Port Charles. Need to see
the CEO of a major firm? Just walk in!
29.
The cops are also a bit thick. If you want someone found, try asking a
mobster.
30.
If you are a cop, you’ll probably be arresting
most of your friends and probably family.
31.
If you’re an attorney, you’ll probably represent
most of the town.
32.
Legal troubles?
No problem! You can get off on any charge by claiming insanity.
33.
An insanity claim will generally only get you a
couple of psychiatric sessions and you’ll be free to terrorize the town within
days.
34.
If you do
land in the local loony bin, don’t worry: some technicality will have you back
on the streets in no time. If not,
escaping is a cinch.
35.
Mental illness has a ten times higher rate of
occurrence in Port Charles than the rest of the world.
36.
No other religions besides Christianity &
Catholicism exist.
37.
You may find that if you were born in Port
Charles or moved there when you were very young, the aging process is
miraculously fast. Before you know it,
you’ll be a teenager.
38.
Driving always leads to a car accident.
39.
Parties last for days and usually involve at
least one death.
40.
We also have several disasters a year: viruses,
fires, hostage situations. Chances are
you’ll be involved in most of them.
41.
Hospital stays are short. Recovery for major surgery should only be a
few days at best and usually only require a small bandage on your head. Our doctors are excellent! (And ridiculously
good looking.)
42.
If they give you a prescription after your
hospital stay, you’ll probably become addicted.
I wouldn’t risk it. Breathe
through the pain.
43.
Did your obstetrician tell you that you can’t
have kids? She was wrong.
44.
We are in upstate NY, but don’t worry – we
rarely have the blizzards that cities like Albany, Utica and Buffalo get. All through winter, have conversations
outside in light jackets for long periods of time.
45.
Also, destinations such as Switzerland, Paris
& New York City are only minutes away.
46.
Wanna blackmail someone? It’s a sport here in Port Charles. And everyone has got something to hide.
47.
And no matter how ridiculous your demands,
they’ll do it.
48.
If you begin speaking about a long lost
relative, they’ll show up in Port Charles within a week or two.
49.
If you’ve come to Port Charles just by chance
not knowing who one or both of your parents are, chance are – they’re already
here.
50.
If you do decide to leave our little town,
“death” is likely your best option.
Don’t know how to fake your own death?
You’ll figure it out. And
everyone will believe it.
